I usually write a Halloweenesque column that focuses on the rules of Trick-or-Treating. But with the pandemic and quarantine happening, I figured that I needed a new theme.
This year, I’m going to give you tips on What To Do If You Find Yourself In A Horror Movie.
Because, hey, with everything that 2020 has brought us, I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly entered another dimension and was plopped down right in the midst of a campy, horror flick.
Pull over a chair and listen up. Mama Wojo has some wisdom to impart.
Don’t have any kind of romantic encounter.
I don’t care if it’s kissing, hugging, or anything else. Everyone knows that if you get frisky, and you’re in a horror movie, you’re most likely the first ones to go. As for holding hands—you can only do this if you are holding hands to keep together with someone as you’re running away from something really scary, or if you are holding someone’s hand to keep them from falling off a cliff or the like. And don’t run close to cliffs.
Don’t go into a cabin in the woods.
C’mon people—have you learned nothing from the 1981 classic The Evil Dead? If you haven’t seen it, five college students go to stay in a tiny cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere. You know that they’re going to get attacked, right? Well, so are you if you find yourself in a horror movie and say, “Hey, everybody! Let’s go spend the night in a cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere!”
In fact, if you actually say that, you deserve to be picked off early by the Boogieman.
If you do go into a cabin, and you lose power—leave!
Seriously. If the power goes off, chalk it up to the universe saving your butt and go out with all your friends, hop in your cars, and go get dinner somewhere. If you insist on checking the breaker box, don’t go into the basement alone!
If you feel you have to check this because, let’s say, there’s a blizzard out and you can’t leave, then don’t go by yourself. Bring every single one of you, and, in this case, you can hold hands. If you don’t, the creepy monster thingy will start picking you off one by one from the back of the line. Actually, I’m going to amend this part about the basement…
Never go into the basement—period.
The basement is always where the monsters are, the people get killed, and the portal opens to hell. Think about it. Basements—unless they are rocked out man/woman caves and are finished with a home theater—are not good places to be in a horror movie. They’re musty, moldy, dark, dingy, dank, full of dusty jars (which hold nothing good, ever), and the absolute worst place to run.
Unless you run to a cemetery. That’s even worse. And if you don’t know why, well, just stop reading this list because you’re toast anyway.
If you hear a noise, don’t go outside alone to check it out.
If you do, you’re dead. Simple as that. Usually, a guy will go outside by himself holding a flashlight. Then the batteries die, and he’s left alone in the dark.
The next sound you hear will be his screams as the Booga Booga gets him. Call the cops. Let them search for the monsters.
If you go to call the police, and you don’t have cell service, don’t run outside.
If you’re somewhere and don’t have cell service, there should be a landline. If there isn’t or if the killer has already cut the phone line, your phone should give you the option to dial an SOS. Really. When I shut my phone off, it asks me if I want to make an emergency call. Don’t be a doofus.
Nothing good ever comes from running outside—unless you’re running to your car. Speaking of that…
Always travel in more than one car—even if you can all fit in a friend’s SUV.
Why? Because a killer can easily screw up one car. But the chances of three cars giving up the ghost all at the same time? Not good.
Unless the killer is a zombie mechanic. Then you’re screwed anyway.
Never, ever split up.
If you’re in a horror movie, always stay together! As soon as you break up even into small groups, the mean and ugly entity is going to snack on you like pieces of popcorn. Or chocolate-covered peanuts. Or pieces of candy…mmmm…
Wait, I was digressing. Let’s get back to the point.
Stay together! All for one and one of all! Keep close in a group, get to your cars, make sure all of them start, and then drive like the wind!
If your friend turns into a zombie or ghoul, leave them.
This is the only time you can ignore the “stay in a group” tip. If one of your friends becomes anything—zombie, ghoul, vampire, werewolf, you get the drift—leave that person behind. Why? Because unless you’ve got Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or some other necromancer on your team, you can’t change them back.
Remember the good times and get going—as far away as possible.
You’re not a member of the gang from Scooby Doo. You can’t just rip off the killer’s mask and find out that it was the guy who ran the creepy carnival, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids.
Trust me on this one.
Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski, when she’s not hiding her face behind a blanket while she watches a scary, horror movie, writes “Wojo’s World®” from Baltimore. She’s also the author of the award-winning book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box. You can connect with Wojo on Facebook or on Twitter.
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This was fun. Thank you.