I like a lot of things. That’s true. But after doing some deep thinking while stuck at home during the pandemic, I’ve realized that there are also a lot of things I like in theory, but not in practice.
Confused? Let me explain.
I love, love, love the idea of an outdoor picnic. Really. I would love to cook some fried chicken and put it in a picnic basket with homemade potato salad, yummy frosty lemonade, and a delectable chocolate dessert.
Because, in theory, I love picnics.
I would love to even take some crusty bread, creamy cheese, fruit, and a fruit punch (I’m not a wine drinker), place it in a picnic basket, and whirl my love away to some secluded, beautiful, outdoor setting.
I love, in theory, the idea of a romantic picnic like this.
In my mind, I get a red-and-white-checked tablecloth or blanket. My husband and I find a shady spot under a tree on a nice, sunny day.
He’d spread out the cloth, and we’d sit down, sharing the food, reflecting on our life together, and even, perhaps, proclaiming our love for one another.
Now, here’s the reality…
I. Hate. Bugs.
And at a picnic, there will be a lot of them.
I’m not talking about those cute little cartoon ants who come marching onto the blanket in a cute little line and carrying off a chicken leg.
Them I could deal with.
Anytime I eat outside, it seems that every bug within a five-mile radius gets the message and decides to come over and try to land on our food.
Flies, wasps, bees, and other stinging/biting things always come around when we’re just having cookouts. And I can’t stand it.
I know there is no way that I would be able to relax and sit there trying to eat on a blanket in a bucolic setting.
I would be too busy freaking out and swatting away all the icky flying things that would be swooping down and trying to get our food.
I also am guessing that it would be difficult to find a completely smooth area on the grass. Have you ever sat on the grass before? Had lawn seats at a concert? While it’s true that you can sometimes get lucky and sit down on a perfectly smooth, level space, you’ve probably got a better chance of sitting down in a spot and finding either a big bump or a hole in the ground under your leg.
Or your back.
Or your butt.
Ugh!
I love watching picnics in movies. If you’ve ever seen the version of Sense and Sensibility with Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, and Alan Rickman, you may remember an absolutely beautiful picnic scene in it.
I’ve watched that movie countless times, and I swoon every time I see it.
Then I remember…
If this really were taking place, there would be bugs all over. And people didn’t take daily showers like we do now. So everyone would stink.
They would, too. It’s hot out. Seriously.
And the food was probably not nearly as good as it looks on the screen because they didn’t have refrigeration.
Okay, and, quite honesty, those folks were on a movie set and not even in the scenario that I’ve described above.
In the real one, they would be stinky, covered in bugs, and about to get food poisoning.
Perhaps I should just have a picnic inside.
Oh wait. I have dogs.
Having a picnic on the floor of my home would be equivalent to ringing a bell and yelling, “Chowtime!” around here.
Hmmmm…
I have a better idea.
We’ll order some carry out instead.
Michele Wojciechowski, who cringes every time she thinks about eating outside on the ground with bugs all around, writes Wojo’s World® from Baltimore. She’s also the author of the award-winning humor book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box. You can connect with Wojo on Facebook or on Twitter.
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