Although I spend time in this column making you laugh, I earn my living writing more than humor. One of the ways I look for work is to sign up on various job boards online. You would think that by just typing in “freelance writer” or “freelance editor,” I could find out about work in my related fields, right?
Wrong—oh, so, so wrong…
I recently received an email from a job board, and while it initially listed jobs that could be in my proverbial wheelhouse, it also listed this: Prepared Foods and Rotisserie Chicken Prep.
I truly believe that every job is important in this world. If there weren’t doctors, I’d have to diagnose myself, and with my weak stomach, I would surely faint. If there weren’t garbage collectors, I’d have to take my own trash to the dump. Since I already mentioned my weak stomach, you can imagine how that would turn out. And if there weren’t Prepared Foods and Rotisserie Chicken Prep people, they’d ask me to do it.
Oh wait—they’re already asking me to do it.
I like to cook. But when I have the time and am not exhausted from working the whole day. So to expect me to make prepared foods and prep rotisserie chickens, you might as well ask me to fix a car. But wait—the job board people are expecting me to be interested in that too.
Yes, dear readers, I received a job listing for an auto technician at a car dealership. Seriously? I still have problems finding the button to turn on my high beams. There’s no way I could jump in and overhaul an engine. Honestly, I don’t even know what it means to overhaul an engine.
If you think those job choices for me are weird, well the hits just keep on coming.
You know what else they think I’m qualified for? Being a business analyst. I have no idea what that is. I’m guessing that “analyst” means it involves numbers. And God knows, that is not my forte. While I was in honors math in high school and got A’s in college math classes, this is not—I repeat not–the job for me. It just doesn’t add up.
In one email, I got three writing job listings, one for a produce assistant, and another for an administrative policy analyst. In another, I got a job listing for a warehouse worker. I’m a middle-aged woman who’s just starting to exercise—and you want me to drive a forklift and move stock around a warehouse. Have you lost your mind?
Over the weekend, I got job leads for a sales associate at a woman’s clothing store, a full-time support lead (again—no idea what this is) at a discount store, and an arranger for a wedding florist.
It’s amazing how social media and online vendors can pinpoint with frightening accuracy what products I would like to buy. But the online job boards are missing the mark—by a lot! And it’s not just me. I brought this up to my friends, and they get the same kind of off-the-mark job listings.
One is a woman about my age. Want to guess what they sent her? A job working in the Navy. For me, that ship has sailed.
Another writer friend got a listing to be an air-traffic controller. As in someone who directs planes so that they don’t fly into one another.
Look, I can argue about the necessity of the Oxford comma with the best of them. But ask me to prevent a plane crash? Surely you jest.
Not gonna happen—and don’t call me Shirley.
Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski, when she’s not looking for work in all the wrong places, writes “Wojo’s World®” from Baltimore. She’s also the author of the award-winning book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box . You can connect with Wojo on Facebook or on Twitter.