For at least the past decade, I’ve been at the age where lots of my friends have children. And one of my favorite experiences to have with them is to talk on the phone.
I’m serious. I’m not being a smart aleck.
Uh, not that this has ever been used to describe me, of course.
I love to talk on the phone with my friends with kids because the conversations are often hilarious.
What I’ve discovered over the years is that children have an invisible sensor, probably located in their heads. As soon as their moms pick up the phone, it begins to beep (using a sound that only kids can hear, of course). This alerts them. Then the chip passes a message to their little brains—“You need attention, and you need it NOW!”
I know this for sure because, without fail, when I call my friends with kids, their kids come running. Oftentimes, these aforementioned tikes have been completely ignoring said friends for the whole day.
But things have changed. Now they are on the phone.
The Moms have learned how to deal with this in a manner that simply amazes me. If the friend who first did this while we talked could have seen me, I know that my mouth was hanging open.
Here’s how it goes:
Me: Hi, how’s it going?
Friend: Oh, you know same old, same old. I did run into Mary at the drugstore yesterday though, and she said
Sit down! Sit down! You are going to break that chair! I just told you to sit down! You’re going to break it! Sit down! Okay, One…Two…
That she had run into Barbara, and they’re buying a condo down the Ocean. Can you believe it? But even better…
Get away from the stove! I’ve told you that you have to stay on the mat because it’s far enough away. You’re going to burn yourself. I mean it. One…Two…
…The place sleeps 10, so we can all go down together…
Get the picture?
I am astounded by how Moms can be right in the middle of a conversation, take a break to yell at their kids, then come back as though nothing had happened.
My close friend, Patti, (who has allowed me to use her real name, unlike my dogs, who insist on pseudonyms) has four kids. She is really good at talking to me, reprimanding her kids or giving them praise as the situation warrants, then coming right back to where we were.
I remember last summer I was on the phone with her, when suddenly she screamed, “Lindsey, No!” It was too late. This was one of the few times that Patti got off the phone because in the short time that we had been talking, Lindsey had gotten that crayon-less paper–that supposed to be great because you don’t mess up your rugs–and mixed it with hand cream.
Then she put it all over herself.
The color? Blue. She looked like a four-year-old Smurf.
One of the problems with younger kids—mainly toddlers—is that they are fast. Often, fast as lightening. And they can get into things if their Moms have only turned their backs for a few seconds.
Patti’s toddler, Mary Beth, has been quite successful in the “mom’s on the phone, so it’s time for me to get away with murder” activities.
Once, and I swear that we had only been on the phone about two minutes, Patti exclaimed “Oh no!”
Because I’m so observant, I knew that something was very wrong.
Mary Beth had gotten into her mom’s makeup, and had put mascara all over her face.
But the big issue lately is the toilet. Mary Beth is fascinated with it. Patti would barely pick up the phone, when she’d say, “Wait a minute. I hear splashing.” It was Mary Beth playing in the toilet. She has also dropped toothpaste in there, a toothbrush, and doused an entire roll of toilet paper.
Patti is getting a toilet lock. But I’m sure Mary Beth will find something else to get into. After all, that sensor is going off in her brain.
I haven’t developed this phone skill because I have dogs. While they can stare at me and beg for treats when I’m on the phone—which they do—they can’t run upstairs and begin to throw things in the toilet.
Thank God for small favors…