I love Chinese food. Besides the vegetables, rice, and eggrolls, one of my favorite parts of the meal is the Fortune Cookie.
It’s not that I love the taste, although they do tend to taste good with a bit of lemony sweetness. What I really love is the fortune inside.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t plan my life around the fortunes, but it’s fun to share them with your family or friends.
So what I want to know is—when did they stop being Fortune Cookies and become Statement Cookies?
Not sure what I mean? Let me give you an example…
Here is the kind of message you would find in a Fortune Cookie: You will find the love of your life sooner than you think.
Or: Don’t give up. Big success for you is just around the corner.
Or: Money will come to you from unexpected sources.
These are fortunes. Sure, they’re vague and sometimes even silly, but they are a fun way to end a meal. You know, with hope that something good is coming your way.
But lately, I’ve been getting what I call Statement Cookies. They don’t give me hope or a good feeling.
They give me a fact.
A statement.
Something that is definitely not a fortune.
Like these:
The principle business of life is to enjoy it.
Well, duh.
Of course we’re supposed to enjoy life.
“Seriously?” I asked. “I got a bum cookie. There’s no fortune in here.”
I thought this was just a fluke. My friends got the same kind—statements. We figured that there was a screw up at the Chinese Fortune Cookie factory. Or that one of the fortune writers had had a bad day. We let it slide this time.
The next time I got one, it said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
Yeah? So what?
Sure, it’s a nice sentiment. But it’s a fact. Perhaps a philosophical one, but a fact nonetheless.
I want fortunes, people!
Suppose this is the new trend, and that we only get Statement Cookies? I’ve got an idea that would be a great business venture for Fortune Cookie manufacturers.
So gather ‘round, as this is the next big moneymaker like the ‘70s Pet Rock.
Or the ‘80s Cabbage Patch Kids.
Or the ‘90s Pokémon Cards…You get the idea.
We could make Statement Cookies that you give out at every single business at the end of a transaction. The difference is that they would include either compliments or insults.
Stay with me.
For example, say you go into a store to buy some pants. And the salesperson helps you for over an hour, and you buy four pairs of pants.
After ringing you up and putting your new clothes in a bag, the salesperson would add a Statement Cookie that you would open when you got home.
If you were really nice, your cookie might say, “Thanks for being such a great person! You are the kind of customer I wish I had every single day. Please come back again, and I will be happy to help you.”
You’d feel pretty darn good, wouldn’t you?
Now, if you were a jerk, yelled at everyone around, acted like you were the King or Queen of the World and that everyone should bow in your presence, you might get one like this: “Really? Did it make you feel good being so mean? May the fleas of a thousand wild dogs infest your home.”
That wouldn’t make you feel too good, would it? Perhaps it would show you that you had been a jerk.
Of course you probably wouldn’t go back to that store. Then they would lose business. Then they would close…
All right, let’s just have Compliment Cookies for those who deserve them.
And, um, Fortune Cookies after every Chinese meal.
Because if I needed another statement, I’d just go to the bank.
Michele Wojciechowski, who is thinking about getting Chinese Food for lunch, writes “Wojo’s World™” from Baltimore.