I remember times when I would come back from my mailbox with my hands overflowing with junk mail. Luckily, with so much information being exchanged via the World Wide Web, that’s not the case so much anymore.
I think the trees are happy about this too.
That said, there are times when it’s easy to get overwhelmed by spam—and not the salty meat in the can. I don’t have too much trouble in the email addresses I use regularly. But there is one I don’t use anymore, and when I check it every couple of months, I’m stunned with what I see.
When I recently checked this email address, I had 978 emails
Yep. You read that right–978.
I spent some time unsubscribing myself from lists I had never subscribed to in the first place. Then I read what was left. The subject lines–especially if they were read by someone who didn’t know me–were a bit, um, scary.
Here’s one: Is It True That You Got Arrested?
Uh, no. I did not get arrested. I appreciate your concern oh strange person who doesn’t know me, but, nope I’m good.
And another: Really? Since when are you doing these things?
Um, I’ve got absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But I’m—at times—a guilt-ridden Catholic. So whatever you think I’m doing, I can guarantee that I’m not. Really. Unless you’re referring to my opening up email that asks if I’ve just been arrested. That, I did do.
Another read: It’s important that you read this.
Oh honey, that’s so cute. But your attempt at guilt doesn’t hold a candle to the nuns who taught me in grade school. Delete. How’s that?
The next: Shocking if this is yours…
Unless it’s a winning lottery ticket, I’m guessing it’s not.
I loved this one: Dear Mario…
Great. Now a stranger has turned me into a guy named Mario. At least he thinks I’m super…
And if you’re worried that the real “Mario” didn’t get his lost email, fret not. I read it, and, let’s just say that I can’t mention what they wanted to talk to Mario about because this is a family-friendly newspaper.
Delete.
The next one confused me, as it only read: Fwd: frozen.
Hmmmm…what was frozen? Were they going to say they were friends of mine stuck in a foreign country with their assets frozen, and they needed my help, STAT?! Were they stuck in a block of ice in Antarctica, and could only be unfrozen if I transferred funds immediately to a Nigerian bank account?
Whatever it was, I wasn’t being snowed.
Delete.
Then: Incredible News Just Issued Moments Ago!
Considering how rarely I check this email box, either I already heard about it through one of the kabillion news sites on the Web or it just wasn’t important enough to me.
Or it was for Mario.
As I read on, the emails suddenly changed from either warning or asking about me to talking about my neighbors: The Criminal History Associated with Your Neighbors!
Didn’t I already tell you that I was taught by nuns? Your cheap tactics can’t scare me!
And my neighbor was young and needed the money…
Delete.
But then it came right back to me again: Your Neighbor was snooping on you…look what they found.
I’m hoping it was one of my many books on grammar and punctuation because, my dear stranger, that sentence was just awful.
I particularly love this: FBI—Your Attention is Needed Immediately!!!
Wow. The FBI finally caught up to me by going through the email address I used when I first entered the information superhighway…in 1994. If this is how “big brother” is watching, I can pretty much guarantee that everyone’s privacy is safe.
The final one I opened didn’t attract me because of the scary or clever subject line, but rather because of the business it was: A service that helps you unsubscribe from junk emails…
Um, like this one?
Delete…
Michele Wojciechowski, when she’s not wondering how email strangers got ahold of her mug shot [just kidding, that was of Nick Nolte], writes Wojo’s World® from Baltimore.
Did you know that Wojo is writing weekly for Parade.com about people in the comedy world? Go to Parade.com and search “Michele Wojo” to find all her stories.