We all have various roles in life. For me, I’m a wife, friend, relative, writer, helper…the list could go on and on.
I’m also a member of the Grammar Police.
I can’t help it. Working as a writer has made me see grammar errors as glaring mistakes in the history of humankind.
Or at least things that tend to bug the heck out of me.
Being a member of the Grammar Police must be genetic. My late mom was like this as well. Another thing I inherited from her? If I see grammatical errors in books, I am compelled to correct them.
In pen.
Even if it’s not my book.
Um, not that I would do this to a library book.
No. Because that would be wrong.
Very, very wrong.
Even if it were done to help others know what the correct format should be.
It would still be very, very wrong.
I’m going to share some of my favorites with you, my dear readers (or should I say my most loathed?).
The dreaded It’s/Its: this one annoys me the most. The formula is quite simple, people. If you want to say “it is,” then use “it’s.” If not, use “its.”
See? Isn’t that easy? Then why do people continue to write sentences like “Its so hot out, the dog drank all of it’s water.”
ARGH!!!
Gasp…sputter…snort…
Ugh. Okay. I’m better now.
Run On Sentences: If you don’t know what this is then you really ought to check out certain authors like William Faulkner because they can have the tendency to keep going on and on, seemingly with no end to the sentence in sight, and no matter how good the story is when the tale just keeps continuing, your eyes start to cross and you wonder if anyone editing the piece knew about things like the “enter” key, or, as was more likely at the time, the return lever on the typewriter.
Get it?
The Dreaded Double Negatives: I don’t got nothin’. Which means, actually, that you have something.
Clunk…
Even I have my limits. That one just made me faint.
This brings me to the reason for the title of this column.
I recently read online about a change—a HUGE change—that the Merriam-Webster Dictionary has made.
Are you ready?
Are you sure?
Fellow grammarians, please sit down. If someone is with you, get that person to get you a cold compress because this one is going to drive you over the edge.
According to the MW Dictionary, the word “literally” now has another meaning.
Want to guess what it is?
“Literally” literally now also means “figuratively.”
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS???
If you’re not comprehending the devastation that this is causing in my world, let me give you some insight. The following sentence is now perfectly acceptable:
I’m so hungry, I could literally eat a horse.
In the past, what I’m calling Pre-MWDD (which stands for Merriam-Webster Dictionary Disaster), the previous sentence would be incorrect.
Unless of course, you live in a country that eats horse. Otherwise, it would be referred to as hyperbole.
This means an exaggeration.
And you know that I never use that…
When you used the word “literally,” it had to mean that something really, truly, absolutely occurred.
It “literally” happened.
Now, though, you can just throw literally around willy nilly anywhere you like.
I drove so fast, I literally broke the sound barrier.
(Um, no you didn’t.)
I worked so much today, I was literally chained to my desk.
(Um, no you weren’t. And if you were, you need to report your boss stat!)
I, literally, had to correct my dog 50,000 times before she would listen.
(Um, so you’ve done nothing but correct your dog for her entire life. No you haven’t.)
That’s the end of our grammar lesson for today, friends. Why? Because all of this has literally made my head explode.
And that stuff’s not going to clean itself up.
Michele Wojciechowski, when she’s not literally wondering what other shenanigans the MW Dictionary is going to come up with next, writes “Wojo’s World®” from her home office.
Want to hear more about the World of Wojo in between columns? Sign up for her twice-monthly newsletter by emailing her at Wojo@WojosWorld.com. It’s full of laughs!