They say that the most important part of every relationship is the ability to communicate.
Obviously, “they” have never been to my home.
My husband and I communicate well. You know, as long as he realizes cues like when I say “fine,” I don’t mean “fine.”
Or that he drives me crazy when I just want to vent, and he begins to try to solve my problems for me.
Or that he realizes that I’m usually right.
Okay…always right.
We get along just fine. The problem is with our electronics.
I noticed recently that my husband was talking a lot when he was in the kitchen by himself. Since we’ve been together for a long time, I assumed that he had finally gone ‘round the bend, off his rocker, or outright lost his ever-lovin’ mind.
Turns out that he was just yelling at the microwave.
And that made me feel so much, um, better.
Here’s the deal with our microwave: you put something in, you push the button, and it microwaves it. That’s what it’s supposed to do.
What it does next is something that we wish it didn’t do because it comes close to driving us over the edge: it beeps.
When it’s finished, like a good little microwave, it beeps to let us know that our food is ready.
The thing is that we know it’s ready. We’re just doing something else and will get to it soon.
Our microwave doesn’t see it that way. She (yes, she’s female as only a woman could drive my husband this crazy) starts to beep as soon as the time on her is done.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppp!!!!!!!!!!
My husband ignores her.
A short time later: Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppp!!!!!!
“ALL RIGHT! GIVE ME A SECOND! I’M WASHING MY HANDS!” he screams.
Marge the Microwave doesn’t care if he’s washing his hands, feeding the dog, or checking sports stats on his phone. She has a job to do, and she’s going to do it.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!
“FINE!!! THERE, I OPENED THE DOOR! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?”
I don’t think that Marge cares one way or another, but she does stop beeping.
But our yelling doesn’t stop here.
Our refrigerator also beeps. After the doors have been open for a certain period of time, it beeps.
So if we accidentally don’t shut a door all the way, she (again, a female) beeps and tells us. That’s a good thing.
But if we’re unloading groceries from the store and need the doors open for a little longer, it’s, hmmm how can I say this without offending her? LIKE AN ICEPICK IN THE EYE…
I’ve caught myself yelling at Fridgie a few times. I don’t mean to. I love her for keeping our food nice and cold.
But the incessant beeping has got to stop.
My husband will be bringing bags of groceries in as I unpack them and put the food away. Usually, Fridgie gets ticked when I’m putting fresh veggies inside because it takes longer. I guess she’s got a deal with the fast food folks, and she would rather we just pick up Mickey D’s for every meal.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!!
“I know! I know! I’m hurrying! Shut up!!!” I lovingly exclaim.
Unlike with Microwave Margie, there is a way to turn off Fridgie’s beeping. But I’m always afraid that I’m going to forget to turn the button back on, then leave something open when I was going for some Ben & Jerry…um, I mean, broccoli. And then everything in the fridge will go bad.
So I do the next best thing. I shut the doors, and then open them up again.
It stops the beeping, but only for a short amount of time. It ends up looking like I’m playing on one of those game shows where you have to do something stupid to win a big prize.
I hurry and put stuff in—carrots, lettuce, yogurt, milk—BEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!! “Oh, I’m sorry ‘Cram the Fridge’ fans, but Wojo just isn’t fast enough. You know what that beep means!
Yeah, it means that I need to learn to just turn the dang button off.
Or get a life.
Or at least, a really good set of earplugs.
I’m just glad that we don’t have a car that talks to us. Because that, my friends, would not be pretty.
Michele Wojciechowski, when she’s not screaming at the dryer too, writes “Wojo’s World®” from Baltimore.