When we envision the holiday season, we tend to think of beautiful, twinkling lights, sumptuous meals shared with family and friends, and days filled with love, happiness, and joy.
And if you’re stuck in a Normal Rockwell painting, that’s exactly what it’s like.
While the holidays have a ton of great times, let’s face it—it’s also filled with stress, stress, and more stress.
Have no fear, dear readers, Dr. Wojo is here (Okay, I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV. Um, that’s not right either. How about I’m not a doctor, but I play one in this column?)
I’m here to share some tips with you that will help you to not only survive the holidays, but perhaps even, well, enjoy them! Based on my past mistak—um, I mean, learning experiences, I will teach you how to make your holiday season less “grrrrrrrr” and more “Yay!!!”
Let’s begin.
Tip 1. Do not attempt any new home improvement projects during the holidays.
“You know what would make the house look better for our holiday party? New paint in the living room, a new bathroom, a new kitchen floor, new countertops, new carpeting…”
If you catch yourself saying anything like the above during the holidays, get someone to give you the “Cher slap” like she gave to Nicolas Cage in the movie “Moonstruck.”
Seriously, because you need to get yourself together.
Dear reader, I know where you’re coming from. Many years ago, my husband and I decided the week before our annual Christmas party that the best thing we could do would be to put down a new kitchen floor in our townhome.
The week before…
Suffice it to say, this did not turn out well. The floor looked great, don’t get me wrong. But it wasn’t finished until the Thursday night before the party. Which was Saturday. And we had done absolutely nothing to prepare for that.
We had no ornaments on our tree that year during the holiday party. Luckily, our friends thought that we were just doing it so that everyone and their kids could help us.
Yeah, we’ll go with that.
But we didn’t learn from our mistakes. Oh no. In our new home, we decided to paint the entire downstairs before the party. Ended up having to hire someone to help us finish it.
This became the second year we had no ornaments on the tree at the time of the party. Our friends began to think we were so chic.
But we knew the truth.
Tip 2. Unless you are a professional stylist, do not give your family holiday haircuts.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that you already have so much to do that one way to save time and money would be to just give the kids and your spouse haircuts yourself.
Listen to me closely: NO!!!!!
No good can come of this. I can guarantee what will happen. You will think you are doing well, and then realize that one side of little Jimmy’s hair is longer than the other. You will keep cutting and cutting to even it out. It will get really, really short. It will still be uneven.
And you will see it in all the family photos for years to come.
This will become known as “that year mom (or dad) gave us haircuts and made it look like we were attacked by the gardening shears.”
It will be funny one day, but not for a very long time. Trust me on this.
Tip 3. If you have pets, don’t put cherished ornaments on the bottom branches of your tree.
Why? Because your dog will eat them. Or your cat will bat them around a lot. Or your goldfish…well, your goldfish might just enjoy the pretty colors. But that’s not the point.
And if your dog is prone to eating, um, more than the ornaments on the bottom of the tree, get a small tabletop tree this year.
One year, our neighbors came home to find that their dog, Sparky, had eaten their tree.
Seriously. Just about the whole thing—lights, ornaments, and all.
The good news is that Sparky survived and went on to eat other things in their home that she shouldn’t have. Funny though: she never went near another Christmas tree.
Look to this space in two weeks when I will have more tips to help you survive the holidays with your sanity intact.
In the meantime, put down that paint brush. Just put it down!
Michele Wojciechowski, when she’s not having new “learning experiences” during the holidays, writes Wojo’s World™ from Baltimore.
Have you bought Wojo’s book, Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box, yet? You haven’t? Would you like to meet her and get a signed copy? Come on out to a book signing: Saturday, December 15 from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at Baron’s K-9 Country Store. For each book sold at this signing, Wojo will donate $5 to GoldHeart Golden Retriever Rescue. (Bring your pet to have a picture taken with Santa–for full details, click here) Other signings are pending. Check www.WojosWorld.com to get a complete list. The book makes a great stocking stuff and will give you lots of laughs! Watch this space for more December signings.
