He’s Too Sexy for His Pants

My husband is a tough man to buy gifts for. 

This isn’t because he’s picky about them. He just doesn’t really want for much. Seriously.

It’s probably a good thing, as I’m the opposite. I can see a catalog and think, “Wow—this would look great in the living room” or “I would love to have a bunch of these pastel-colored office supplies!”

We’re yin and yang in that way.

So when it came to his birthday and Christmas last year, we did the same dance, so to speak, that we’ve done for years. It goes like this. (And a one, and a two…)

Me: I need to get you something for your birthday and Christmas. Is there anything you want?

Brad: We go through this every year, Michele. I don’t want anything. I can’t think of anything.

Me: You need to think of something because I’m not going to get you nothing. I can’t sit here and open presents while you just watch. I can’t do it. If you don’t think of something, I’m going to buy you things that you may not want. So think about it.

Brad: All right. I’ll think about it.

Brad thought about it and came up with this: he wanted new sleep pants and some new work clothes, i.e., sweatpants, as he’s been working from home since last March.

If I were a normal person, I would have just gone ‘a shoppin’ online. But I’m weird. And I remembered that when I’ve put away his sleep pants, I often have to cram them in the drawer.

So I asked him about it.

Me: Hey, honey. I’ll be glad to get you sleep pants if you want them. But I’ve noticed that you have a ton of them in your drawer.

Brad: Yeah, but I don’t like a lot of them.

Me: WHAT?

Brad: Yeah, some of them fit weird, and I just don’t like them.

Me: SO WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE THEM?

Brad: Oh, I’ve just kept them in the drawer. Yeah, I should get rid of the ones I don’t like.

Me: Are you trying to kill me with this?

I went online in search of sleep pants and sweatpants. Here’s the problem: It seems that nearly every man in the United States of America wears size Large pants. So while I had no problem buying stuff for my husband for his birthday, Christmas was another matter.

I did what I always do in these situations—I panicked.

I began buying any kind of size Large sleep or sweatpants that were decent looking. Then I realized that I might be buying too many. 

Then I realized that I just didn’t care.

When I panic-shop, I have no idea what exactly I’ve bought. So when the packages arrive, it’s a surprise to all of us.

Brad was really happy on Christmas with what I purchased. That made me happy.

Until a few days later, when the fashion show began.

This is when he decides to try everything on and parades around asking me questions like, “Do these look too tight, loose, weird, soft, scratchy, etc.” while I sit there watching and try my hardest not to kill him.

And 2020 was no exception. 

First, he came out wearing a pair of sleep pants. Here’s the conversation:

Brad: Do these look too tight?

Me: Do they feel too tight?

Brad: I’m not sure…

Me: (thinking to myself…don’t yell. Don’t say that. Take a deep breath.)

These were a maybe.

Then he came out wearing a pair of sweatpants.

Brad: Do these look too tight?

Me: Do they feel too tight?

Brad: I think the crotch is hanging too low.

Me: …

This year, perhaps because of all the stress due to COVID, being stuck in the house seemingly forever, etc., I came up with an all-encompassing statement after the crotch question: If you don’t absolutely love the pants, we’re sending them back. Period.

As a result, our fashion show lasted practically no time at all. If he asked me a question, I countered with, “If you don’t love them, send them back.”

He kept a couple. We sent a couple back.

His annual “turns on the catwalk” were finished.

At least until next year…

Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski, who is completely relieved that Brad’s annual fashion show is over, writes “Wojo’s World®” from Baltimore. Wojo is seriously thinking of playing that Right Said Fred song when Brad poses in whatever he gets next Christmas. She’s also the author of the award-winning book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box. You can connect with Wojo on Facebook or on Twitter.

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