Fake Fall

As that great singer/songwriter Bob Dylan crooned “The times, they are a-changin.’”

And, much to my great joy, so are the seasons.

I’ve lived in Maryland all my life: a little more than half of it spent in Baltimore City, then a decade in the ‘burbs, and now more than that in “the sticks.” 

But no matter where I’ve lived, one adage has always been the same: If you don’t like the weather here, wait five minutes, and it will change.

This is especially true when fall arrives…or doesn’t, as the case may be.

In Maryland, fall should begin on September 22 or so each year. While this year, it seems to actually feel like fall, many years, it feels like summer.

Or more like the middle of summer in hell when Satan is really ticked off.

That means it’s hot. Really hot. So hot that we’re running the air conditioning more than a roomful of menopausal women experiencing massive hot flashes at the same time.

Yeah, so it’s hot.

Right now, we’re in Fake Fall. What is Fake Fall you may ask? 

Well, I think it’s boatload of crap, but I digress…

Fake Fall is what happens in the beginning of fall sometimes. Like today: I have my windows open, there is a gentle breeze, I’ll probably put on a cardigan later.

It seems perfect.

But just a few days later—BAM!—I wake up sweating, and it’s not from perimenopause. 

It’s hot again. May even be humid. We close the windows. The AC goes back on.

Some days, we may be fooled by the cool. So you dress for one kind of day in the morning—like it’s actually going to stay cool all day.

But by noon, you’re sweating a bit. You may take off that cardigan.

By late afternoon, the sweat it pouring off your face, and you turn off the heat, and immediately replace it with blasting AC.

When it really starts to get fun, you dress for warm weather in the morning, and by the afternoon—SURPRISE!—it’s freezing! You’re freezing. You may even be able to see your breath.

And, the most fun time of all is when one day it’s cold, so you put the heat on. 

The next day, it’s really hot. So on goes the AC.

Then the heat. Then the AC. Then the heat. Then the AC.

Your HVAC system, if it could, would be yelling, “What in the world is wrong with you??? Pick one!”

I’d joke that Mother Nature might be having a bad time of it. But I grew up during those margarine commercials—I know that it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature. And I am certainly not going to make fun of her either.

Because while I’m nice and comfy now, I know what could be on the horizon.

And there’s no way I’m digging out my swimsuit again.

Michele Wojciechowski, when she’s turning the heat on, then off, then on, then off again, writes Wojo’s World® from Baltimore. She’s also the author of the award-winning humor book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box. You can connect with Wojo on Facebook or on Twitter.

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