During the pandemic, lots of people began purchasing what they needed online.
Some also began buying lots of what they didn’t need online.
I fell between the two. While we got essentials, like groceries, delivered, I didn’t buy a whole lot of other stuff for a long while. Sure, I bought a few items—okay, let’s be honest, mainly books.
But trust me, I looked…a lot.
And I’ve discovered that like in real estate, the word “cozy” usually means “small,” there’s an entire language for used items for sale online.
My friend, Dan, who lives in England, also has come up with is own interpretations of particular verbiage, so I’ll give him credit where it’s due.
Here we go…
Vintage
Online, the term Vintage often means: I found this is my grandmother’s basement, and she doesn’t want it anymore. It’s really not worth anything, but it will remind you of childhood, so I’m posting it with a price that is ridiculously high.
For Dan, who is much more concise in his descriptions than I, Vintage means: Old and tatty.
For example, I saw one album of the two-album set of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack selling with no album cover for $25. Why? They said it was vintage, disco-era music from an important movie.
It was also scratched up like it had been used as a Frisbee.
Retro
This word means something that your parents would have loved, and you may have also found in your grandmother’s basement. It’s usually followed by words such as “vintage” (oh yeah, sellers find ways of inserting this baby throughout any kind of item description they can, much like you would scatter food for ducks in a lake) or “classic” or “art deco” (which sometimes really is art deco and other times isn’t even close).
Dan’s definition of Retro: Five years old and tatty.
Something selling that was “retro”? A box of old VHS tapes. Seriously. If bought them, you’d have to search for a VCR that still works. Which leads us to our next word…
Antique
Technically, an antique is something that is more than 100-years old. I know that most of the stuff being labeled as such isn’t even close.
In fact, it wouldn’t even quality for Social Security.
Often, the word “antique” is used if something looks really old, but it’s still not worth anything.
For example, I know a great deal about old books. Because they’re old, doesn’t mean they’re worth something. But folks online often don’t know this or they don’t care.
I’ve seen “antique” books you can normally buy for a buck or two priced at more than $100 each. Why? Because they were published in the 1800s.
Please note: They sometimes published terrible books back then too—books that didn’t sell. Books that no one wanted. And books that still no one wants.
Antique is also used a lot with the word vintage to describe something that is really rusty.
As opposed to saying, “Here’s a rusty piece of junk. You can have it for $125,” They write, “Vintage antique weather vane that’s been on the top of a barn.” What they don’t say is that it’s only been there for six years, and their farmer friend wanted a new one.
Nearly New
This means that they may have had it stored in the basement or attic for a decade or more. Or since they moved into their home 20 years ago. They forgot they had it, and now want you to buy it.
Dan’s view: A [crap] Christmas gift that we don’t want.
Nearly New can also be in bent, scuffed, dirty packaging, which is so close to new…not at all.
It can also be a gift you got for your wedding, but can’t remember who gave it to you, so you’re afraid of regifting it. Even if you recently celebrated your Silver Anniversary.
Collectibles
This word is a doozy because oftentimes collectability is in the eye of the beholder—in this case, the person who be holding the stuff.
Collectibles can be anything from old toys once in fast food meals to kitschy things that folks put on shelves in their kitchens in the ‘60s and ‘70s.
You may have also found these in your grandmother’s or parents’ basements as well. (Are you seeing a pattern here?)
If you’re wondering how collectibles can no longer have overall value, I leave you with two words: Beanie Babies.
Smoke-Free Home
It’s enough to put Dan’s view: We gave up smoking 7 minutes ago.
No Pet Home
We have pets, but we don’t think you’ll be able to tell when you buy this. We scrubbed really hard to get the pee stains off.
Dan’s view: We had a dog, but it ate the cat and then died in/on what we’re selling.
Upcycling Project
These can be cool once in a while, but often they’re a disaster. And upcycling in that case means: We’re too guilty to throw stuff into the dump, so we made it into this horrific monstrosity that we’re now calling “art” and desperately trying to get some money for because everyone who has seen it says it’s crap.
From Dan: Utterly [messed up], but if you squint hard enough you should be able to see what it used to look like.
I have to stop now, because before this publishes, I must get down to the basement. I’ve got tons of vintage, retro, antique, nearly new, collectible, smoke- and pet-free home stuff that I need to upcycle and get it posted stat.
Go look for it. I’ll have it reasonably priced. I swear.
Michele “Wojo” Wojciechowski, when she’s not trying to read between the online sale lines, writes Wojo’s World®” from Baltimore. She’s also the author of the award-winning humor book Next Time I Move, They’ll Carry Me Out in a Box. You can connect with Wojo on Facebook or on Twitter.
Because Dan Jones contributed to this, we’ll give him some love. He’s a savvy PR guy and amazing musician, based in Sidmouth, England. Follow him on Twitter. He’s really funny on there too.
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