I didn’t think this Riley dog was so bad. In fact, for the first week, I thought I’d gotten me a sweet gig—easy work, and I pay back my “so-called” debt to Elfsociety. But now this mutt is scaring the *^&% out of me.
First, he just was knocking over some trash cans. Problem is that when I yell at him or threaten him, he ignores me. Like he can’t hear me or somethin’. So I tell the Fat Man. He tells me to keep working on Riley. So I do.
So what happens then? This @%$# mutt grabs me and starts throwin’ me around, like I’m some kind of plaything or somethin’. In the old neighborhood, I would have had this pup sleepin’ with the fishes already. But no. Santa insists on “positive reinforcement,” whatever the hell that is. The second time this dog grabbed me, I called my union rep.
The Fat Guy got ticked off at me, but he was required to send backup to help train me to work with Riley. Fine. My new pal, Hermie, shows up. He says that he understands my frustrations. For years, Hermie made toys even though he hated it. All he ever wanted to be was a dentist. Santa wouldn’t let him. If elves visited the dentist, O Holy Fat Man would have to start paying for dental insurance. He’d rather they keep eating candy canes and then gumming food for the rest of their lives when their teeth rot out of their heads.
I digress…but you’ll see why in a bit…
I felt better with Hermie around. He kept Riley in line. I even began to think that this mutt might actually get something from Mr. Jolly himself because he was being good.
Then, this morning, I woke up and here’s what I saw:
My only friend outside the joint, Hermie, had done what any dedicated Elf would do: he gave an arm and a leg for this job.
Readers, I’m really scared. If I was in the old neighborhood, I could protect myself. But here, I got nothin’.
Unless I took Hermie’s arm or leg to use as a weapon. Naw…that’s too sick. Even for me.
When Ye Fat @%$ himself shows up on Christmas Eve, I’m givin’ him a piece of my mind. This was gonna be a safe, cushy job. I only had to work a couple of Christmases until they would let me out and put me on probation.
Now I know they weren’t sure I’d live that long…
I’ll be checkin’ in soon.
Joey “Doin’ what it takes to stay outta the clink” Elfprano