Dear Momma Fox Who Had Her Babies under My Shed,
Momma—may I call you Momma?—we are so honored that you once again chose our shed out of all those in the neighborhood to use as the place for you to give birth to and raise your five kits (or pups or cubs or whatever you choose to call them. Yes, I did Google this, Momma.).
But, really, enough is enough.
My husband and I feel that we’ve done our part. We provided you with rent-free space. Access to food (Sorry, little woodland critters. Circle of life and all that stuff.). And lots of time staring at your youngins without coming outside to scare them away.
We were fine with you and yours squatting for a few months. But we think that now you best be movin’ on.
Why, you may be asking your red-fuzzy-faced self?
Because you started barking (or whatever it is that you call what you do to make noise. I’m not going to look something else up now).
In the middle of the night…
And it’s warm enough that we often have our windows open…
You still don’t see where this is going, Momma?
Well, we have dogs. Dogs are here to protect us. And they do.
So when they hear you begin to bark at 3 a.m., what do you think they do in response?
Yep, that’s right! Ding, ding, ding!!! We have a winner!
They bark back to scare you off.
And while if there were an actual intruder, and our dogs barked, that would be one thing. But to be woken up out of a sound sleep by one of my dogs (who was sleeping under the bed at the time—imagine how great that was to suddenly be awakened by the “Woof! Woof! Woof!!! coming from underneath you!), well, that’s the last straw.
As you can probably imagine, the dog then wanted to go outside. My husband let him out, and he began running around the perimeter of the yard barking.
It was now 3:05 a.m.
Not only was I not happy, but I’m guessing that my neighbors weren’t happy by this time either.
My husband and I both began yelling at our dog to hush up. But then we realized that we shouldn’t be reprimanding him because he’s only doing what he’s supposed to do—protect us.
That’s why I’m writing to you.
As a Mom, you should understand how important it is for your family members to get their sleep. I can tell you from experience from being jarred awake in the middle of the night by a barking dog, then a barking fox (whose bark I hadn’t previously heard), then a hysterical barking dog…well, it just doesn’t provide the perfect atmosphere for a good night’s sleep.
And the adrenaline rush that happens when your dog barks under your bed and wakes you up, well let’s just say that it takes quite some time for it to go away.
I’m appealing to you, Momma, to find a new place to live. Every other year that you’ve done this, you and the kits would be gone by now.
This is the first time that I’ve had to tell you that you’ve overstayed your welcome.
Please pack your bags (there are lots of sticks in the yard that you could use to tie a kerchief to and carry your stuff away—you know, like hobos used to.) and move on.
If you want to stay in the area, there are quite a few comparable sheds available for you to set up house.
Don’t get me wrong; we’d welcome you to come back next year before you and the kids are having late-night conversations.
Looking forward to NOT hearing from you soon. See you next year!
Michele Wojciechowski, when she’s not shaking her fist at the window at 3 in the morning, writes “Wojo’s World®” from Baltimore.
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